around my mental health~

so...

i don't know what i'll post here..haha..
it just feels so weird to see the last post in my blog was around november and it just such a weird schizophrenic dream.. =.='a

so here ia m, write down bout my bipolar and many kinds of mental disease i've..just for review since tha last time i wrote in this blog.. ^^

well..now all of member in my KKD group knows i have bipolar disorder..i told them by my self..
why?
for a simple reason..
cause i dnt wanna have a conflict with them in the middle of KKD..
i mean, this KKD session really hectic with exam everywhere..and if i become so oversensitive bcause of my depressed state, it just will make everything worst..since we all know that my depression state can persist til 1 month, mean my KKD group must resist my annoyed behaviour for 2 state of KKD. it'll be terrible for them and of course for me too. so to make it simple and clear, i just told them.
n now they be more aware if i just sit in the corner, say nothing and sleep (depressed state make me sleep a whole day and wake only 9-10 hours cz i dnt have any energy to do anything except sleep). at least they not make a joke about or around me when i just sit like a sleeping stone at the corner. thats a good part. none will harm then.
the miserable part is when they ask me almost everyday what's my mood now. they said i always smile and it almost impossible to me to get a hipothym. like a hell! of course i have my hipothym. it just i'm too smart to cover it. i mean, i don't want ruin situation with my sulking face like a baby beg from a candy. thats ridiculous. *rolled eyes*

sometimes faking a smile is the most tiring thing you must do when what you want is scream and killed someone.. *LOL
but yeah, it's not a big deal..haha..

and about my anxiety things..
well..it becomes better now..
maybe because the drugs (i got 1,2 gram of mood stablilizer now. what an amount! haha) but i feel fine..
i mean, yeah, sometimes i still get a little anxiety atack but it won't killing me.
it doesnt make me scream or cry uncontrorly...
it just make me a lil worry but it still on a line..
the good part is even in my depression state, i can control my anxiety and thats really good things since my anxiety just make my mood worse and ruin everything.
uuh..i reall love situation like this..n wish i can feel like this even without a drugs... *imagining*

a month ago i got my depression state and it's so irritating..
but it's not as big as previous depression state..maybe it's come bcs my doct tried to decreased my drug dose..
so here i am, with normal drug dose..huhuw...

hope one day i won't depend of the drug to make me smile.. :D